My New Year’s Day looked unlike any other I’ve ever had. No hangover or regrets from the night before, no tradition of good luck or prosperity or anything else I’ve done in the years prior. No weird resolutions that don’t actually contribute to my personal goals.
Instead, kiddos we are in the midst of trying to adopt, came to visit for the first time. This required legos and towers of blocks. Cheerios and small bowls of fruit. Too many cups of coffee and a shirt I wore the day before with mismatched socks. Snowball fights and sledding with frozen noses and watery eyes.
Lots of tears, tantrums that go something like a screaming version of “you’re blinking too loudly”. Snuggles and naps. Homemade play dough and little feet in footy pajamas running around the kitchen bringing a stool to the counter to see and “help”.
They cried for their mom. When they got caught up in the moment they found themselves calling me mom and were embarrassed. They were scared there wasn’t enough food. They were scared of what would come next and showed much anxiety without routine. They struggled with sharing and at times fought like junkyard dogs. When my nose got brutally hit by accident and I grabbed my nose in pain and saw them run and hide–scared of what I was going to do to them.
They went back to their foster home yesterday and today, on my 30th birthday I find myself sitting in a lot of silence, thankful for the quiet calm a good snowy Sunday offers. I think I was expecting to be scared of my 30th birthday. But today, I feel peaceful and curious. I made it through the mayhem that comes with being twenty-something. There will be time to figure out what I hope for 2016 and what being 30 may mean to me, but for now, just to be present is enough.