Have you ever wanted to bail?
This weekend, for a fleeting moment, I definitely did. I wanted to throw in the rag, call it quits, say eff off to the universe. For a moment I wanted to quit on the adoption. There’s a huge amount of shame in those feelings. But they were real.
Not long after those dark thoughts washed over me, Little came over and in quivering, but oh-so-knowing voice, asked if we could rock. He knew something had happened. Something had snapped in mommy. Thankfully I did not blow up or rage on him, but I knew my entire aura had shifted. I snapped out of it and rocked him knowing damn well that resisting would be catastrophic to both of us.
I had shared these thoughts with my wife. And things got out of hand and somehow we ended up in shitville where I didn’t know if she was wanting to throw in the towel with the adoption and divorce me. Whoa. Whoa. Wait a fucking moment. How the hell did we end up in this space?
So here’s what I know.
This week is the court date. Emotions are high and ever-consuming. Wifey and I are solid. Our ground is wobbly, but the ground is still beneath us and our foundation is SOLID. We know we are better as a team tackling this journey to adoption TOGETHER. I know that little benefits from us feeling secure, solid, consistent. I know that he is confused, excited, and anxious about what “Forever Family Day” means. I know that there is a loss that comes with this gain. I know that he is testing us to see what we will do with all his might.
I know I love Little.
I know I love my Wife.
I know that I could not ever walk away from them.
For that, I am thankful that I was tested.I can stand before that judge on Wednesday confident. I now know, without any doubt, I am moving forward with a fierce loyalty to my little family.
When things get rough, we will just keep trying. We will stretch ourselves to unimaginable heights. And when all else fails, child’s pose it is.