Well it’s been a full two months since we have had our foster baby, we now call him Bug. He takes about 5 ounces in his bottle, he holds his head up, he smiles. He poops all the time, and projectile fluids are neat. Bug has hairy ears, baby chub that is starting to create rolls, and he loves loves loves to be outside. His symptoms from having Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome have decreased. Overall we have seen positive growth and improvement in his health.
I wish I could have found the head space to write more frequently to document this but something tells me more of this experience will be written looking back on it. Goodness knows it takes a lot of energy to care for a newborn and writing just hasn’t been the top of the list.
I will say that the feeling of fostering a baby is a rollercoaster. He is wildly cute and lovable. Most of the time, the days and nights go on without thinking about the magnitude of the situation. Other times, a wash of anger/sadness/grief/panic/anxiety comes over me. It passes quickly when Bug cries out and requires a bottle, a diaper change, or a snuggle. But the truth is, he is not going to be ours forever. I will not know what he is like in his teenage years, or who he will fall in love with. I won’t hold his hand as I age and he won’t bring me mother’s day gifts when he is older. I hope that his body and his heart know how much he was loved as a baby. I’m counting on that body memory that we see so present in our oldest child from early childhood trauma. I’m counting on Bug knowing we stayed up and gave countless snuggles, that we were there at every turn to love him through it. As long as he is with us, I will continue to show up and be the mommy that he needs and deserves. My heart will always hold him dear and I will love him forever and always.