Relinquishment.

We relinquished our parental rights.

I’ve been trying to come up with something to say that conveys the deepest sorrow that I have ever felt. But I haven’t found it. Because nothing sorrow-like seems to convey the deepest relief I feel at the same time.

Here’s what I know. Q was violent and dangerous. Q has complex needs brought on by early childhood trauma and neglect along with severe mental health challenges. Q has 8 different diagnoses and the care needs that are required will be lifelong. We do not have the capability to meet those needs now or ever in the future.

That could be a form paragraph as a response to why we relinquished. I guess I could stop there. Of course that would be total bullshit and you and I both know it. It’s deep and messy and doesn’t make a bit of sense. But that’s how hard things often are, right? They are messy and often don’t make sense.

I slept in fear every single night. Because she didn’t sleep, she wanted to hurt us, and sometimes did. One particular night she terrorized us in the middle of the night by smashing a towel hook onto our bedroom door for hours. Now, as I struggle with my own PTSD and all the mess that comes with that, I still hear that in my sleep now. I wake in a panic- sweaty and fragile. Smash. Smash. Smash.

Some might say that her behavior was a cry for help. I would agree. Some would say that she was trying to get our attention and needed something from us. I would agree. We tried. We tried every single day. Her needs are far greater than what we can provide.

She would take anything and make it a weapon. The glass of a picture frame she broke. The rod for her clothes in the closet. The knives. Wood from breaking her door. Her nails digging into my own skin and clawing until blood came out. She was willing to do anything that the voices in her head would tell her. No matter how much it hurt her or others.

She knew we had a duty and a commitment to keep her safe. So she would do anything in her power not to be safe. It would take us hours to get anywhere because she would smash her head against the seat and the window so hard we would have to pull over to restrain and redirect the behavior. Of course, this never made anything better. At home she would run and smash her head into the wall or a door on purpose. She aimed for pain and blood from herself or from us. It wasn’t quite clear which was favored.

We know we are not yet as strong as we would like to be to be able to stand up against relentless judgement that will be coming from some people (we know not all). I shared this concern with my boss and she told me what she thought of judgement. She feels that judgement is just something that people do as a reflection and concern for themselves. If people can keep you and your decisions at an arms length, they can be sure that they themselves would not ever find themselves in a similar situation. That if only they could determine that they would choose something different, they can be sure that they would also never experience that kind of pain. I think my boss is right.

So with that, I risk telling you, we relinquished our parental rights. You may believe that you would choose something different. You might be right, you might also be wrong. No one knows truly what they would do given a painful situation. I hope you never have to find out what you would choose. What I know is that this choice, while painful and a horrific loss, is right for us. Not pleasant, but it is the right thing to do.

We believe that the care and treatment of Q can be focused on her, her mental health, and her symptoms now, instead of an unrealistic goal focusing on her relationship with us.

We believe that we had a damaged relationship as a family because of the violence and therefore would not be able to heal enough to ever be able to provide what she needs for an entire lifetime.

We believe that safety in relationships should come first.

We believe that we did our best.

 Rainbow

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Mother’s Day Part 2: Cake in a Basement

We turned down a dirt road in a neighborhood where basketball hoops were old and worn, the silence of no children out on a beautiful spring day was deafening, and the lack of tending to gardens and homes was painfully obvious. The GPS said we had arrived and a woman came out in an all black robe with a clipboard when we pulled in.

My gut check told me this was a terrible idea so I texted the address to my boss knowing that if we went missing she would come find me.

We got out of the car and were quickly introduced to the robe lady and then told that she would not try to keep track between the two of us because it is “too confusing”. She told us we should go around the back of the house because that is where Q is. I couldn’t help but wonder if people would think I was a lunatic for going around to some back of a house after they found my body. We went anyway.

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We were led down a stairwell into the basement where they keep her. When we walked into the living space, the stench of poverty hit me so hard I stopped in my tracks. If you have ever worked in human services, I think you know this smell. I can’t quite figure out the exact way to describe it but I think it’s a combination between stale air, cigarettes, kool-aid, and general cheap products.

The “apartment” (if you can call it that) had two living spaces: a 20180513_101319 kitchen/dining space and a living/sleeping space. The windows were typical basement windows that are at the ceiling about 5 inches tall. It’s not up to fire code by any standards and to be clear, if there was an emergency, anyone living in that space would surely die.

When we went into the living space Q was hiding in the  corner behind TVs (there were two, one placed right in front of the other) playing with cords. She went back throughout our visit to play with the cords and outlets.

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She was not excited but rather had a very flat response without affect (which we expected). There weren’t any hugs but rather us trying to pretend like we had just seen her the day before type of “hey! we brought some things for you” type of engagement. We sat the bag of clothes that we had brought on the couch and told her we brought her magazine. We asked if we could read it together. So we sat awkwardly on the squeaky, sagging couch reading through the magazine page by page as if it were any other day.

Her energy was strange. This was not the child we knew.

At one point she went back and forth to the fridge to show us items like the tub of margarine and generic jelly named “jelly”. She ate chunks of the margarine with her hands. The staff member brought her a cake to show us that Q had decorated. At 10 in the morning she proceeded to sit on the couch and eat the candies and cake with her hands throughout our entire visit.

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She was a feral child.

I asked her the last time she had a hug and she let me know it was from us. Back in March when she was at the hospital. Because of policies and procedures, staff cannot hug, which mean that this 5 year old that has severe attachment and neglect history is continuing not to get the physical attention she will need in order to heal.  Let’s remember that her biological mother left her in her car seat for so long that Q’s muscles atrophied. We asked if we could hug her and she slowly said yes. We hugged her. We sang our special songs to her.

The program is teetering on the line of conversion therapy. They will not acknowledge her gender identity as being a girl. They have decided that her gender identity has been constructed simply from us. Never mind that we are the Muck Boot, Carhartt type of gals and we met Q who was demanding nail polish, dresses, and that she wants to be a girl in the most self-confident way possible. We never encouraged this. We just validated whatever her experience was and whatever way she wanted to express this. Of course, what would they know, they have no interest in learning about Q’s history or about us. We had to remind them that Q’s trauma and neglect is something we did not cause.

At this point Q is surviving. She is not thriving. She will not heal in this environment.

The way that this placement has been handled by DCF and the courts is not great to say the least. Believe me when I tell you, there is nothing that can be done. It’s out of our hands.

Mother’s Day Part 1: Hospital Parking Lots

After our January episode detailed in my previous blog, Q went to a crisis stabilization program for a week. When she returned we had two weeks of stability. After that, it was a fight for our lives. This picks up where we are now. 

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We last saw Q on March 16th when she had an emergency referral to a statewide mental health stabilization program. In type that sounds like it was a streamlined referral but fighting for months to get someone to notice her was anything but streamlined. The way we finally got noticed involved injury to respite providers, Q hanging a cat, a police escort, and myself making a dramatic scene in the Emergency Room saying that I couldn’t do it anymore and asking if someone would like to evaluate my mental stability. A show indeed. We finally got DCF to agree to take her into their custody so that they could do some work. We could not go on any more. If I ever wondered what my breaking point looked like, I found it.

She was referred to a high-level facility 5 hours a way for their short term program for youth experiencing mental crisis and in need of stabilization. It is typically 11 days but because she was so unstable, she stayed for 6 weeks. Finally, someone noticed. The medical team there acknowledged we were in fact not crazy and they do not know how we lasted as long as we did. They diagnosed her with what seemed like everything possible.  PTSD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Reactive Attachment Disorder, ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Fetal Drug Exposure, Psychosis. I’m sure there is one that I missed or one that they missed. It’s all a mess so I don’t know that one less or more would be noticed.

Two weeks ago she was discharged and sent to a residential facility because no one felt it was safe enough for her to be in a home environment. There was only one place in the state that would take her because of her young age. Being 5 doesn’t exactly fit into any of the residential models that are available in the state. So they are creating one for her. The place has been terrible so far and the Court is not pleased with the placement. We can only hope a better placement can be developed.

On Mother’s Day we drove for 2 hours to visit with Q in the first time in two months.  We stopped at Walmart to pick up a few pairs of clothes for her as we assumed she would have grown out of everything since we last saw her. Afterwards we discovered all of the bathrooms were out of order in Walmart and the ones in nearby stores. Awkward timing. But a two hour drive and a shopping trip left an emergent need for a bathroom visit before going into unknown territory.  We ended up rushing into a hospital and finding a bathroom. It smelled like bleach and I felt the secondary panic of hospital bathrooms subside.

I found myself on Mother’s Day removing tags, matching small child-sized socks, and folding the clothes nicely in a hospital parking lot and waiting for it to be time to drive to the residential facility.  I couldn’t help but notice that the weather was perfect for Mother’s Day and I hoped most people were not experiencing the kind of anxiety and heartache that I was. We passed restaurants that had signs out advertising for Mother’s Day brunch and specials. The parking lots were packed with cars and families were smiling and visiting on their way into gorge themselves on a feasts and conversation. I wondered what I would order. I wondered if I would ever have a Mother’s Day like that. I wondered if this visit would be my last. I wondered if I would ever buy clothes for her again. I wondered how long we could go on like this.

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Adoption Finalized.

I suppose at some point I should document the fact that we actually completed the adoption. I had these grand plans of blogging about it that day, September 21st, but I couldn’t. Not because life has gotten too busy (even though it has) but because I just could not articulate that day as well as I wanted. I don’t know if I can even now.

It happened.

The actual act of the adoption in the court was horrific. Nothing short of traumatic and obnoxious. It was not trauma-informed. It was loud. It was unplanned and all over the place. It was a summarization of this entire process, start to finish. Even down to the paperwork being entirely wrong. As in listing different parent names. The day was good before the court time and afterwards. That is what I will hold near to my heart. Forever Family Day still is meaningful because of what it means for the rest of our lives. But the process left quite a lot to be desired.

A letter to my son’s birth mom

To my son’s birth mom:

Tomorrow is the day that we adopt him. I wanted to write this letter, but I also know that now is no where near the time that you can receive this. Perhaps in time, but not now. Let this be a placeholder for if/when you may be ready.

First, I am so sorry that this life has thrown you unimaginable amounts of pain. No, I don’t know you personally, but I have read about you and I have heard about you and your traumatic and heartbreaking story. Probably more than you would like strangers to know, and for that I feel intrusive. I am sorry you were not cared for as you should have been when you were younger. You should have been more supported from the system in which touted they would keep you safe. It pains me that you and your children had the same social worker.

I do not suspect even for a moment that I know the whole story. I cannot profess to understand your lived experience. That being said, I do not support the way that you treated him and I am deeply disappointed that this is now part of his story.

This is important. I do not blame you, but I do hold you responsible. That is a very big difference to me. I understand to some degree how we all got to this place. While I am empathetic, I can still hold expectations and I truly believe you did not meet them. He deserved better.

I hope that you will go on and flourish. I hope that you will gain your independence in a safe, healthy, and legal way. I hope that you find new people that love you the way that you truly need them to. I hope that one day you will find yourself in a space ready to have a family and the responsibility that it comes with. I hope that if our paths cross at some point when he is older, that you will welcome whatever person he has become and realize that this is about him (and always has been). And while this is profoundly hard for you, it will be even harder for him.

[Not] Quitting Adoption

Have you ever wanted to bail?

This weekend, for a fleeting moment, I definitely did. I wanted to throw in the rag, call it quits, say eff off to the universe. For a moment I wanted to quit on the adoption. There’s a huge amount of shame in those feelings. But they were real.

Not long after those dark thoughts washed over me, Little came over and in quivering, but oh-so-knowing voice, asked if we could rock. He knew something had happened. Something had snapped in mommy. Thankfully I did not blow up or rage on him, but I knew my entire aura had shifted. I snapped out of it and rocked him knowing damn well that resisting would be catastrophic to both of us.

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I had shared these thoughts with my wife. And things got out of hand and somehow we ended up in shitville where I didn’t know if she was wanting to throw in the towel with the adoption and divorce me. Whoa. Whoa. Wait a fucking moment. How the hell did we end up in this space?

So here’s what I know.

This week is the court date. Emotions are high and ever-consuming. Wifey and I are solid. Our ground is wobbly, but the ground is still beneath us and our foundation is SOLID. We know we are better as a team tackling this journey to adoption TOGETHER. I know that little benefits from us feeling secure, solid, consistent. I know that he is confused, excited, and anxious about what “Forever Family Day” means. I know that there is a loss that comes with this gain. I know that he is testing us to see what we will do with all his might.

I know I love Little.

I know I love my Wife.

I know that I could not ever walk away from them.

For that, I am thankful that I was tested.I can stand before that judge on Wednesday confident. I now know, without any doubt, I am moving forward with a fierce loyalty to my little family.

When things get rough, we will just keep trying. We will stretch ourselves to unimaginable heights. And when all else fails, child’s pose it is.

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Signed Papers & Hornworms

Muddled Weekly: August 8th – 14th

  • Signed on the dotted line. Yes, THAT dotted line. We hit the glorious 6-month mark with little man in our care which is required by law before submitting paperwork to the court. Now we wait for the court to decide on a date. Let the anxiety commence!
  • Little will be learning very quickly what not to say to women.  Some favorites this week, “Mommy, why is dinner so late?”, “Mama, you need to do the dishes, it’s messy!”, “You have a big bum!”, “Give me gummy vitamin now!” Bonus of having two moms is getting that nonsense checked REAL quick.
  • We made some ice cream in a bag. It took a LONG 10 minutes (which was an eternity in toddler-time) to shake that mess into ice cream but the result was pretty delicious.
  • We haven’t been getting hit nearly as much but this weekend he totally took a cheap shot at me while I wasn’t looking. Not cool little man, not cool at all.
  • The bath fiasco may have a solution? Every bath seems to be a triggering time for little man. He gets in the checked-out space and immediately throws things, smacks me, flips out like you’ve never seen before. So…I tried using the extended shower head kind of like a garden hose spray down/shower while he just stands up. Tried this twice so far and no explosions and he even giggles about it. Anything that doesn’t land me in a space of a dripping, soapy, violent toddler is a win!
  • We discovered some nasty tomato hornworms eating all our tomatoes. Beastly ones. And rude. If I don’t get my favorite Brandywine tomato this year, I will be the one throwing a tantrum.

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